digging deep
Ever since my last meeting with Kristi, I've been stewing on what I would write for this journal entry. What would I say? In the last session, I revealed the sense that I haven't dug deep enough. That there's something underneath it all. There's some deeper layer to my pain. Despite all my work, I still have this rage. It's rage based in fear. It amps up so quickly. It's the fear that I'm all the hurtful things others have said about me, or the ways they've treated me that reveal how they feel about me. It's the ease with which I've been condescended, dismissed, and laughed at to my face. It's the fear that I've ultimately been stained by these things. That I've been dealing with them for years and haven't found a way to truly rise above them. To find peace. I've been trained to recognize that ultimately I can only trust myself to stick up for me. Even those with the best intentions can't be trusted to navigate my pain. ...