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Sex and self esteem

During my last session, I brought up the topic of motivations around promiscuity. And while I consider myself to be highly sex positive, that doesn't mean that I should be blind to certain types of motivating factors. Being honest with myself isn't the same as a confession. - To the extent that I have a bit of an exhibitionism fetish related to gay sex, I recognize that it serves as a type of performative push-back against those who I would perceive as judging me. It's essentially fetishizing my internal response to that fear. The irony is that this fetish may be relying on maintaining the very conflict that eats at me in other ways. But, it should also be recognized that this part coping mechanism as well. What does it mean to recognize this dynamic? - I tend to be cruisier when my self esteem is feeling diminished in other ways. I think this is because I reflexively fall back on reliable forms of validation. I'm a pleaser and a have a bunch of feedback that tells
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Here are the questions I need to think about for my next session. -What is keeping me from facing my fears? Judgement, rejection..... I need to think about this more. -How can I be an advocate for myself? I think the real question here is "how can I advocate for myself in a healthy way?" Because the main problem I've been having is that when I feel the most need to advocate for myself, it's violently. And this isn't good—in fact it's undermining because once I lose my cool, I also lose my credibility. That's a real problem. So how do I keep my cool while advocating for myself? This also brings up another issue which is my tendency to assume or conflate what is being said as a criticism. At that point, the question is: is this a criticism of me, or an observation that can be interpreted as a standalone observation? There's also the approach of verbalizing how I feel and my needs at the moment. So for example, instead of losing my shit at mom wh
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Pulling threads

I'm sitting here trying to remember what my plan is, what my long term goals are, for my own treatment. Here are the topics that come to mind.  - Aside from brain chemistry, why do I think I ramp up so quickly? What fuels my anger?  I think part of what makes this so difficult to explain is that it seems like there are different feelings that cause me to ramp up. I recognize that just because they feel different, that doesn't mean they are.  So we have what we all know: fear drives anger. Since presumably that's what drives MY anger, I begs me find the courage to face my fears. What do I fear?  -- I fear coming out to my parents and sister. I feel like if my dad knew this about me, it would be the reason he needs to drop me like he's done with almost everyone in his life, including his daughter and grand children. I don't want to shoulder the blame. I don't want to talk to mom about it, in large part because I'd somehow feel like I'd be "answ
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My shield

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Since my last session, I've tried to imagine what the chest that would protect my private inner identity would look like. I imagined a brass chest, with a system of locks and bolts unrivaled in their intricacy. I probably have The Room (a smartphone game) to thank for that exercise. But the more I went down that road of imagination, I started to recognize there are some flaws in that design. The problem with that design is that it's too complicated and too onerous to handle. The people and situations in my life that it's meant for need something more fluid, more dynamic. What I need is a shield—maybe some sort of cool futuristic one made out of energy that I can bust out when the situation arises. Because when I get hit, it's usually really fast. I need to be able to bust it out on the fly. This is about boundary setting. It's about protecting myself from those who feel entitled to violate my space and besmirch my dignity. But it also shouldn't be bristlin
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digging deep

Ever since my last meeting with Kristi, I've been stewing on what I would write for this journal entry. What would I say? In the last session, I revealed the sense that I haven't dug deep enough. That there's something underneath it all. There's some deeper layer to my pain. Despite all my work, I still have this rage. It's rage based in fear. It amps up so quickly. It's the fear that I'm all the hurtful things others have said about me, or the ways they've treated me that reveal how they feel about me. It's the ease with which I've been condescended, dismissed, and laughed at to my face. It's the fear that I've ultimately been stained by these things. That I've been dealing with them for years and haven't found a way to truly rise above them. To find peace. I've been trained to recognize that ultimately I can only trust myself to stick up for me. Even those with the best intentions can't be trusted to navigate my pain.
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