Sex and self esteem

During my last session, I brought up the topic of motivations around promiscuity. And while I consider myself to be highly sex positive, that doesn't mean that I should be blind to certain types of motivating factors. Being honest with myself isn't the same as a confession.

- To the extent that I have a bit of an exhibitionism fetish related to gay sex, I recognize that it serves as a type of performative push-back against those who I would perceive as judging me. It's essentially fetishizing my internal response to that fear. The irony is that this fetish may be relying on maintaining the very conflict that eats at me in other ways. But, it should also be recognized that this part coping mechanism as well. What does it mean to recognize this dynamic?

- I tend to be cruisier when my self esteem is feeling diminished in other ways. I think this is because I reflexively fall back on reliable forms of validation. I'm a pleaser and a have a bunch of feedback that tells me I'm a good sexual partner. And while cruising, reliable validation, and being a good sex partner are all just fine, I still feel like I should ask: is this the best well to be tapping to build up my self esteem?

To the extent that the answer to that last question is "no," I need to start thinking about what builds up my self esteem in healthy ways. Also, what is the line between enjoyment and unhealthy reflexiveness?

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