Pulling threads
I'm sitting here trying to remember what my plan is, what my long term goals are, for my own treatment. Here are the topics that come to mind.
- Aside from brain chemistry, why do I think I ramp up so quickly? What fuels my anger?
I think part of what makes this so difficult to explain is that it seems like there are different feelings that cause me to ramp up. I recognize that just because they feel different, that doesn't mean they are.
So we have what we all know: fear drives anger. Since presumably that's what drives MY anger, I begs me find the courage to face my fears. What do I fear?
-- I fear coming out to my parents and sister. I feel like if my dad knew this about me, it would be the reason he needs to drop me like he's done with almost everyone in his life, including his daughter and grand children. I don't want to shoulder the blame. I don't want to talk to mom about it, in large part because I'd somehow feel like I'd be "answering" to her. Like she's holding me accountable. I feel like it would give her power and I don't want her to have power over me. Not now. Not anymore.
-- I'm afraid of all my negative self-talk coming true. I'm afraid that I'll have to own the things I've thought. That I'll somehow be revealed as my worst self. I feel like I've spent so long defending myself, and for what? Where has that gotten me? Who will stand up for me when I need it?
-- There is a painful irony in that often my anger seems derived from an attack on my credibility, yet my own ramp up just undermines it further. I've been dismissed in the most painful ways. Dismissed and disregarded. To my face and to my friends, employers, and family. I didn't deserve that. I DON'T deserve that. Where has my advocate been? When I was at the bank, I listened to people in conference rooms berate me to my superiors. I was mocked to my face in front of coworkers. It was sweet justice laying out when the investigators came calling, but where has that negative energy left me? I feel like if I don't defend myself, who will?
- How can I establish healthy boundaries with people that are both respectful and insuring I'm respected.
This and the prior topic are related. Part of this is about "how can I keep calm"?
One of the things I did today was I make a note to myself detailed the most common types of logical fallacies. It felt good to capture them, study them, think about the ways I've heard them used before, and have labels attached to them. But I can't tell if it was constructive or not. There's part of me that is concerned that the exercise is one that fuels bad stuff in my personality. But on the other hand, I also feel like if I can get acquainted with what's actually happening here, that I can somehow contain it. Part of what (I think) frustrates me, is that I've had these things in my past where these types of fallacies were used against me. I knew there was something wrong happening--something I disagreed with, but I couldn't really put my finger on what or how.
- What can I do, or what have I done, to promote my own mental wellbeing?
This weekend I spent some time going through my clothes. Although there's more to do, there is something cathartic about the activity. There were so many things in my drawers that catered to past jobs and other times in my life. There's so much distance on some of those things now. How did I wind up with a drawer brimming with white undershirts? The tidiness and order sets the stage, doesn't it?
One thing is that I need to be kind to myself. I must not overdo it. What has tripped me up time and again is this thing where I try to dive in, then fail, get discouraged, and do nothing. I need to watch out for that. There isn't anybody else that is going to catch me when I flop. I'm better served with small increments that are sustainable.
- Aside from brain chemistry, why do I think I ramp up so quickly? What fuels my anger?
I think part of what makes this so difficult to explain is that it seems like there are different feelings that cause me to ramp up. I recognize that just because they feel different, that doesn't mean they are.
So we have what we all know: fear drives anger. Since presumably that's what drives MY anger, I begs me find the courage to face my fears. What do I fear?
-- I fear coming out to my parents and sister. I feel like if my dad knew this about me, it would be the reason he needs to drop me like he's done with almost everyone in his life, including his daughter and grand children. I don't want to shoulder the blame. I don't want to talk to mom about it, in large part because I'd somehow feel like I'd be "answering" to her. Like she's holding me accountable. I feel like it would give her power and I don't want her to have power over me. Not now. Not anymore.
-- I'm afraid of all my negative self-talk coming true. I'm afraid that I'll have to own the things I've thought. That I'll somehow be revealed as my worst self. I feel like I've spent so long defending myself, and for what? Where has that gotten me? Who will stand up for me when I need it?
-- There is a painful irony in that often my anger seems derived from an attack on my credibility, yet my own ramp up just undermines it further. I've been dismissed in the most painful ways. Dismissed and disregarded. To my face and to my friends, employers, and family. I didn't deserve that. I DON'T deserve that. Where has my advocate been? When I was at the bank, I listened to people in conference rooms berate me to my superiors. I was mocked to my face in front of coworkers. It was sweet justice laying out when the investigators came calling, but where has that negative energy left me? I feel like if I don't defend myself, who will?
- How can I establish healthy boundaries with people that are both respectful and insuring I'm respected.
This and the prior topic are related. Part of this is about "how can I keep calm"?
One of the things I did today was I make a note to myself detailed the most common types of logical fallacies. It felt good to capture them, study them, think about the ways I've heard them used before, and have labels attached to them. But I can't tell if it was constructive or not. There's part of me that is concerned that the exercise is one that fuels bad stuff in my personality. But on the other hand, I also feel like if I can get acquainted with what's actually happening here, that I can somehow contain it. Part of what (I think) frustrates me, is that I've had these things in my past where these types of fallacies were used against me. I knew there was something wrong happening--something I disagreed with, but I couldn't really put my finger on what or how.
- What can I do, or what have I done, to promote my own mental wellbeing?
This weekend I spent some time going through my clothes. Although there's more to do, there is something cathartic about the activity. There were so many things in my drawers that catered to past jobs and other times in my life. There's so much distance on some of those things now. How did I wind up with a drawer brimming with white undershirts? The tidiness and order sets the stage, doesn't it?
One thing is that I need to be kind to myself. I must not overdo it. What has tripped me up time and again is this thing where I try to dive in, then fail, get discouraged, and do nothing. I need to watch out for that. There isn't anybody else that is going to catch me when I flop. I'm better served with small increments that are sustainable.
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